Therapy with Alyse

A Happier Life, A Happier You

Many of my people have internalized negative messages of not being good enough. They have received and believe/believed such messages about themselves as “I” am not smart, pretty, thin, buff, fit, happy, interesting, good, and successful enough and the list goes on. They believe they are the opposite of these things, sometimes. It is understandable that they believe these messages, while it is tragic and extremely sad. The reason they believe them is due to how and when they received these messages in their early years in life and while growing up. (Coping skills and resilience also play a role but we can talk about in another post.) Furthermore, these messages may have continued to be vocalized to them for years.

Where do these messages come from? Surprisingly enough, they emerged from family members and relationships early on in their lives unfortunately. Because of the messages coming at them from people who “were supposed to be taking care of them,” and “loving them,” the messages became part of them and stuck.

How else were they supposed to know they were ok, perfect, beautiful, smart, and wonderful when someone who was their caretaker was giving them such harsh messages? They did not know and some still do not know. Moreover, for that, they deserve more love, support, kindness, compassion, and support. I hope they will know how ok they are one day!

As a result of receiving this information and replaying it in their minds, they are unable to let go of these messages and may be continually giving themselves these messages and worse, be giving these messages to other people, unintentionally.

Changing these messages
Revising these messages takes work, hard work that can be difficult and take some time and some processing. Just know that this work is worth it. The work around this would include doing the following inside and outside therapy sessions.
*Noticing the messages when they come up.
*Recognizing where and when they/it come(s) up and how it all plays out.
*Identifying any triggers, too.
*Expressing and coping with thoughts, feelings, and emotionality around these; grieving some of their lost childhood, etc. and releasing emotion(s) and message(s). But this is not easy nor is it for the faint of heart! (You deserve to receive positive messages and to do this work for your inner child who did not get these positive messages, but got hateful ones instead.)
*Replacing a negative message with a positive message. Perhaps it is written down somewhere and they practice saying it on their way to work. Others create a mindfulness practice around breathing in this new message and releasing the old one. Other clients have written out the messages and we have had a burial ceremony around letting them go. This process could take place in a variety of ways, even though artwork, storytelling, Psychodrama, and music.
*Slowly beginning to incorporate this new message in their life on a regular basis throughout the day.
*After changing a message, they start over and notice other negative messages and going through the practice of mourning them and part of their lost child that received these messages.

 

I commend them and you if you are doing this work. You and they are so brave, vulnerable, loving, wonderful, and more. This can be daunting because in order to change the message(s) it requires feeling the feelings that go hand in hand with the negative message(s).

This is not permanent and will pass, especially if you have a support network, group, and a kind and compassionate therapist. I encourage all of these for you! This is the way to effectively, less painfully, and more easily move through this difficult work.

I hope that this is helpful. I wish you loving messages, experiences, and times. Be brave and much love and compassion. Xo

Try out this short exercise. At the least, it will get you clarity. At the most, it will strengthen your relationship with yourself and possibly those with whom you are connected. This exercise can help release some anxiety sometimes.

When to use it: Are you feeling unsatisfied? Looking to resolve something in your life? Interested in getting something off your chest or back? Do you keep having your boundaries crossed or are you not getting the treatment you want?

We can express ourselves to others and they can listen if they choose to and are able. However, they do not have to follow through with our request. Perhaps they are unable or unwilling or do not know how, then we can compromise if we choose. Our other choice is to decide not put our self in the situation anymore or again, if we do not like the outcome/treatment.

Make sure to write down your answers.

A) What am I feeling? (Be very specific with one emotion, keeping in mind that anger is usually the easiest to access.) Example: I feel/felt sad, hurt, scared, etc.

I feel____________________.

B) What happened in my life and with whom? Example: My partner, husband/wife/ beau/partner, did not listen to my story. They were too busy to take the time to hear it.
_________________________.

C) What do I want? Example: I want to be heard. Or I want them to be available for me to talk at such and such time.
I want _________________.

D) What is your intention? Examples: I want to tell them how I am feeling, so they know. Or I want to just share what my experience was to keep our relationship growing.

_______________________.

Note: Just because we have an intention does not mean that anything or our intention will result from this conversation. This is just something for us to focus on and to keep things clear. Our intention is guiding the conversation. The outcome is not promised nor is it what we are looking for. Ultimately, the goal of the exercise is the expression of our feelings, need, and want. The intention cannot be separated from the expression; they are intertwined.

E) Dialogue: Pull the three statements together. Example: I felt sad when you were unable to listen to my story the other day. I want us to have a time to talk in the evenings after our long days.

I felt __________________________.

when__________________________.

I want__________________________.

When you are ready, you can ask to speak with whomever you want to have this dialogue with, if you need to.

Remember to keep the attention on yourself and how you are feeling. If a feeling arises, take care of yourself. Self-soothing techniques like massaging your temples or toes, drinking some water, putting some cool water on our face, putting on lotion or aromatherapy oil, can be helpful.

Using “I” statements and expressing your emotions in a kind way (without blame) tends to keep the offensive and defensive discussion to a minimum. It is also vulnerable.

Stay in touch with yourself, noticing any thoughts, feelings, or sensations that come up. Journal about them afterwards, just a few sentences or words.

I foresee us talking about this more in the future. Perhaps there will be future posts about it. Until next time. xo

Start where you are. As long as you start taking care of you, wherever you are at in life, that is the most important thing. It may uncomfortable or overwhelming at first, vulnerability is, but it reaps so many rewards. I promise you will be ok. You are so worth it! Love yourself and do this work. You deserve to take care of you regardless of what you have been taught and how you have been treated. You are allowed to happy and supported. It is ok to ask for help! No judgment because we all need help! Doing this work is so worth it!  #startwhereyouare #therapywithalysellc #itisoktoaskforhelp #vulnerability