Noticing

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At some point in time you may have noticed that the way someone treated you, how they spoke to you or what they said, brought up feelings and thoughts not directly related to the event and conversation at hand.  Even though your response appears related to the person you are dealing with or communicating with, often these two things are not related.  Despite the response not being congruent or relevant to what is taking place, these two things can get entangled and mixed up.  Sound familiar?  If not (or if so), you may have heard the words, “I am processing,” or “I’m not sure how I feel,” from someone you are communicating with in some capacity.  Or you may  have someone just lash out at you or ignore you and not communicate anything regarding what has come up for them or what is going on in your relationship.  Honestly, not everyone is in tune to themselves, their feelings or even aware that something is coming up for them or being triggered. And maybe they don’t know how to do this kind of work (that’s where I can in, too, and throughout this whole process). It is important to give people the benefit of the doubt because when this happens to us (whether we are the upset one or not), it can be quite challenging to process, communicate about, and then move forward from in the relationship.

Before I create a deeper understanding around the behaviors and communication, I would like to share something about human behavior, generally speaking. More often than not, people assume things in our words and behaviors and may be reacting to those assumptions. This is the basics of the field of social psychology which says that people respond to people based upon how they feel someone is treating them or acting (this is perception mixed with observation, “our stuff,” and some reality.) 

In the simplest terms, here is what is most likely going on.
Often, when people are talking with one another, their own stuff- feelings, resentments, thoughts, vulnerabilities, insecurities, and so forth (both conscious and unconscious) may come up for them.  (And it may take place on a sensory or memory level, so as to remind people of something. We will try not to go that deep here today. ) It may cause them to feel a certain way or think a specific thought and then react based upon that because their stuff is getting in the way and getting tangled or entwined.  Sometimes people can get stuck and not respond when this happens because they are blocked or are trying to sort out their feelings and what it going on for them.  Remember, this is their own process and stuff.  Maybe they were reminded of something negative (consciously or unconsciously), otherwise triggered, or are having a defensive response to the discussion. They have the choice to work through it themselves or deal with it all how they will.

This is not your responsibility to fix!  Also, it is not personal to you that it came up for them while engaging with you.  The only thing personal is that you were the one that the issue came up with. The rest is them.  I notice this happen with colleagues and acquaintances, as well as close loved ones.  We are all trying (or not) to work out our stuff with those of us that we interact with. It is often unavoidable.  Or we are trying to avoid working out our stuff directly by not having to go through confrontation or painful conversations and experiences.  As a result, this stuff comes out indirectly when we are interacting with others or after having interacted.

Although we may want to be trees and exist independently, we regularly influence and impact one another, for the negative and the positive, both consciously and unconsciously.  Short of being in isolation, there is virtually no way to not have this happen at some point in time, even if neither individual is aware of it.  And, you this may sound out there, but this isn’t all bad. I promise. And this too shall pass.

Having these experiences allows a lot of room for growth and learning about ourselves and others too. Often, we can move past things or a little past them after having gone through these experiences. This can improve and strengthen relationships.  It can be helpful to be aware of this process, so that we can process our thoughts and feelings in the most healthy way and with causing as minimal damage as possible to others and ourselves.  Much love to you on your journey.

Kindness and Coffee

AlyseMcKealLCSW

This is how I am feeling today,  this fine Wednesday. I am always in need of more kindness in the world and for myself. I will even forego my coffee. 😉

It can be rough dealing with others sometimes especially when they forget to treat us as kind or nice as we need, would like or are used to. All of us get into these mindsets too, that people don’t change or a certain way (negative or positive).  So, we often end up having some bit of projection or transference (More on this at a later date) and are disappointed by them.   Sometimes, there is some of this going on but not always and really we have to meet people where they are at and how they are approaching us. (We are not their therapist, mom, dad, responsible adult, not usually for that one.)  Unfortunately, people are responding based upon what is going on with them, whether it be emotionally, mentally, perceptually, psychologically, and physically. Life is not easy, that is certain. Sigh. Deep breath, sigh. We know that they probably have their own stuff going on but it is still difficult to deal with and we don’t need nor want to be someone’s doormat… that doesn’t feel good and it’s not our job.  Yet, if we knew how they were feeling or thinking, it would easier to be compassionate.  Maybe we could try to imagine how they are feeling/thinking and hold a space for that. Perhaps if we meet them with compassion and kindness, they will in turn be able to provide us with a safer, kinder place.  And if they are not able to do so, then what is really lost in that? I find that when I am more compassionate to others, that then I in turn can be more compassionate with myself (whether it my adult self, my inner child, etc.)   So that is what is gained a growing compassion for the self. We can never, repeat, not ever, be too compassionate with ourselves.

It has been a tough week, so far. So, it is my final week of working 4 ten hour days with Fridays off due to summer sessions ending. Although I love my Fridays, I am looking forward to being back to the usual 8 hour or so hour days and 2 day weekends. Change is good but tough. Sending you kindness x 20. Enjoy your day!

#Wednesday #wonderfulwednesday #humpday #kindness #☕ #❤ #compassion #selflove #wisdomwednesday #innerchild #empathy #relationships #communication

Dealing with Negativity

Batsto

How to Deal with Negative Behavior (Passive Aggressive or Other)

The best way to deal with it is to ignore it. Unfortunately, sometimes, the more attention that is given then the more the drama fire grows. Often people just want to know that something bothers us or that they have the “upper hand” or power to hurt. Sometimes they care and sometimes they don’t. In reality, it is because they do not feel very powerful and are working out some of their needs and hurts that were not met during their lives/life. This is not our problem, but it is very sad and tragic. Their inner child, little person is hurting or was badly hurt or triggered, and so they are hurting someone else as a result. Or else just trying to release the hurt, angst, and stuff from inside them.

We all carry this little person (inner child) inside ourselves. Unless we had a perfect upbringing where all of our needs, wants, and goals were met, and we were loved unconditionally and never experienced any pain, hurt or trauma, this hurt child is still with us. I do not believe there is a soul like this in this world, but perhaps I am wrong. If it is you, then I am so happy you had such an amazingly beautiful and seemingly perfect life and upbringing! We all want this are trying to work through our stuff to get to this. It is blissful!

Remember, our humanity is what connects us. We are human and can relate to one another. We can all be negative, hurtful or passive aggressive, which is a way of being indirect. Perhaps we are afraid of being vulnerable; it is scary to have us exposed. It could feel unsafe to us to reveal our feelings or thoughts! And, maybe we do not feel entitled to feel the way we feel. On the other hand, we are not aware that we are acting this way because it is subconscious and not intentional (this is one of those benefit of the doubt things.) Finally, we may just lack the communication skills and the ability to be assertive.

What do you do if you cannot ignore it? The other option is to discuss it with your person (whoever they are). It is important to understand that just because you want to resolve the issue and get back to normal does not mean that the other person does. Nor does it mean that they will say sorry or be sorry for how it affects you. It also does not mean that the other person is going to change. An important goal for the conversation (for yourself) is to express how you feel when the person does something and how you would like to be treated.

None of us can change anyone. We are not responsible for anyone nor are we responsible for anyone else acts or speaks or does not do so. We can only mend ourselves and our behaviors and feelings. And we all want to be happy, to be positive, and to get along, but sometimes or maybe often our own stuff, self, pain, and patterns can get in way. That is okay because life is a process! We are all works in progress.

If you are hurt or feel left out, take good care of yourself. Perhaps coloring, writing, playing, talking with another friend, exercising, going on a nature walk or a nice, relaxing bath/shower will help. Perhaps you have a coping technique that has worked before like reading, biking, yoga, meditating, praying, creating something, watching a movie, petting your dog, cat or other fur baby or friend! Do what works for you.

Keep in mind, it is not your fault nor is it your problem. It is the other person’s personal issue that they are responsible for. You are responsible for you and for mending your yard and fence. If you did do something, you are always able and welcome to address that with the person. But only if you feel you were in the wrong or hurt or upset someone. This is not your responsibility if you did none of those things and addressed it. Once we hand our part over, apology or whatever, it is the onus is on the other person to deal with their part. Sometimes they don’t and sometimes they do. Life can be hard in these cases. But you will be ok and you are fine now. Love yourself. Don’t beat up yourself or feel responsible.

This was an interesting article for some self-reflection, enjoy!

7 Signs You’re Being Passive-Aggressive (and How to Stop)

https://www.dailyworth.com/posts/3462-signs-you-re-being-passive-aggressive